by Karla M. Kincannon
Julie was a sophomore at a small, private college. She had made the dean’s list last year and very much wanted to make it again this year, but her grades were slipping. She was missing classes more frequently because, as she told her friends and professors, she wasn’t feeling well.
When her mother arrived for Parents Weekend, Julie’s arm was in a sling. She said she injured it playing soccer. She’d be fine, she reassured her mother. Don’t worry so much.
As the two of them waited in Julie’s room for Sean to join them for lunch, Julie’s stomach began to ache with tension. She wanted the next few hours with her boyfriend and her mother to go well, but she never could tell what Sean’s mood would be these days.
It wasn’t long before Sean appeared at the door. He was charming and polite as he flashed his million dollar smile. It was his smile that had first caught Julie’s attention. Eventually it melted her heart, and she fell head over heels in love with him.
Of course all the attention was flattering. When they first met, Sean sent her cards and bought her stuffed animals and flowers. He even walked her to class ad waited for her at the dining hall so they could share mealtimes. She had never had so much attention in her life and she loved it–at first.
Julie breathed an inward sigh of relief when she saw Sean charming her mother the same way he had charmed her at the beginning of the semester. But just before they headed out for lunch, Sean said, “Julie, honey, why don’t you wear the blue sweater. I like the way it matches your eyes.”
She hated it when Sean told her what to wear, but she didn’t want a scene–not in front of her mom. She replied quietly, “Sure, it’ll just take me a minute to change.”
Julie’s mother was puzzled. When Julie was growing up, she was so independent she would never wear anything that Mom picked out for her. She wondered how on earth this young man could convince Julie to wear something of his choosing. It must be love, she thought to herself. She shrugged off the momentary discomfort she felt about the exchange.
Although Julie’s mother liked Sean, she had noticed other changes in her daughter. At last year’s Parents Weekend, Julie had introduced her to scores of friends. This year her attention seemed to be focused only on Sean. This was uncharacteristic of her friendly and outgoing daughter, but again, she shrugged it off as a symptom of “first love.” She was sure her daughter would reach out to friends again once the newness of the relationship wore off.
Unfortunately, Julie’s mother didn’t know that Sean was demanding that Julie spend all of her free time with him. He told Julie it was because he loved her and couldn’t bear to be separated from her. In reality, it was just another way he exerted subtle control over her.
Julie was in an abusive relationship. Underneath her turtleneck and long sleeves were the bruises from last week’s fight. Her sprained arm was a result of the battering she received at the hands of her “charming” boyfriend.
Once when Julie was in the women’s locker room, her best friend had noticed the bruises and asked about them. Julie said that soccer practice had been rough that week. She was too embarrassed to tell her friend that the bruises were from Sean.
As Julie told her lie, she inwardly shuddered as she remembered Sean’s anger the day he grabbed her arms, pushed her against the wall, and slapped her. He had become enraged when he caught her chatting with a male classmate.
Nothing she said could convince him that the guy was just a friend. She remembered Sean’s voice getting louder and louder until he was shouting and blaming her. If she hadn’t dressed in those tight jeans that day, the guy wouldn’t have come on to her, and then he wouldn’t have to get angry with her. It was all her fault, and she was getting what she deserved.
After that incident, just as with all the others, Sean was repentant and promised never to hit her again. He felt so badly over what he had said and done he actually cried. He said he didn’t know what he would do if she left him. Once when she had tried to end the relationship, he even threatened to kill himself. Julie couldn’t see a way out–she felt trapped.
She desperately wanted to help Sean and make it work. He was always so sorry and sincere whenever he apologized. She really did love him; and besides, she had been taught in church to turn the other cheek. She just never thought she would have to take that admonition quite so literally. So she worked very hard to forgive Sean.
Maybe it wasn’t really all that bad. After all, he didn’t hit her that often. If only she could figure out how not to make him angry, she’d be OK. Besides, if she left him, who would help him change? She was sure that if she hung in there and loved him enough, he would learn to control his temper. Julie wondered how something that had started off so perfectly could have become so confusing. She didn’t know what to do.
No one enters a romantic or dating relationship intending to be battered. Certainly that was not Julie’s intention. What had started out like a dream had become a nightmare. What had gone wrong?
Violence in intimate relationships is not uncommon. Statistics indicate that close to 4 million American women experience a serious assault by someone who said they loved them, and domestic and dating violence is not only physical abuse. And recent studies show that as many as one-third of teens experience abuse in a dating relationship. It can also be sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological abuse. It is actions–or threats of actions–meant to frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone.
You may think that it will never happen to you because you aren’t poor or because you are well educated. The truth is domestic violence can happen to anyone of any age, race, sexual orientation, religion, gender, or socioeconomic background. It can happen to couples who are married, living together, or dating.*
How do you know if you’re in an abusive relationship? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. As college students, sometimes the teasing and horseplay that are part of dating relationships can turn into emotional abuse or physical violence. One minute you might be playfully wrestling with your boyfriend. The next minute he pins you to the wall, refusing to let you go until you are hurt or do as he wants. When you question him about it, he says he was just teasing. Listen to your own feelings; if you are hurt or feel humiliated, tell him. If he loves you, he will respect your feelings.
Sometimes violence can be sudden and unexpected. If your boyfriend has pushed, slapped, or threatened you when he’s angry, take it seriously even if you’ve not been injured. Don’t minimize the severity of his behavior. These actions show he’s willing to exert physical force to control you. Unless you make it absolutely clear you will not allow nor tolerate that kind of behavior, it may happen again.
If he has hit you even one time, he will need help learning to control his anger. An anger management class or a counselor can help him to make changes that will stop the violence.
Sometimes violent behavior occurs in relationships when drugs or alcohol are involved. You need to take the responsibility for protecting yourself and staying safe. Anger and alcohol are a dangerous mix, and he needs to get help. Stopping drinking and becoming involved in a 12-step program such as Alcoholics Anonymous are good first steps toward recovery.
Should you decide not to see your boyfriend until he learns to control his behavior and get help, make sure you mean what you say. Whenever you take a stand and don’t follow through, he gets the message you don’t mean what you say, and he won’t take anything you say seriously. Be sure your words have meaning and integrity.
It never occurred to Julie that she had been criminally assaulted by the same man who was now loving her. Julie had been taught to forgive those who sinned against her, and this was how she got hooked into the cycle. She would forgive Sean, stay in the relationship, and the cycle would begin all over again.
Christian forgiveness does not mean it is permissible for one person to assault another. Jesus may have encouraged his followers to forgive an infinite number of times, but he also spoke of a need for justice in a turbulent and violent world. He preached about caring for and protecting those who are powerless in the face of a violent society.
An abusive relationship is not normal. Domestic assault is a crime, and violence is a learned behavior. A man who is a batterer probably grew up in a home where he was physically or psychologically abused or where is father abused or dominated his mother. Abusers will not change their behavior until they learn another way of dealing with their anger, which probably won’t happen until they seek professional help.
In Sean and Julie’s case, the last time Sean apologized to her, it was in her hospital room as he was being arrested for assault.
If you know someone who is being abused, give her the number of the local women’s shelter or the toll-free number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE). The Web site is www.ndvh.org. Help is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. For more information about Break the Cycle, log onto www.breakthecycle.org or call 1-888-988-8336 (TEEN).
Keep in touch with her because she is in danger. Although she may not realize it, she needs your support. Don’t abandon her.
Karla Kincannon is a United Methodist clergywoman and the author of the book, Creativity and Divine Surprise: Finding the Place of Your Resurrection (Nashville: Upper Room Books, 2005).
*SOURCES: Sheryl Cates, executive director, National Domestic Violence Hotline and Jessica Aronoff, executive director, Break the Cycle
8 Warning Signs of Abuse
• Name calling
• Ridiculing
• Isolation from friends/family
• Jealousy
• Controlling and possessive behavior
• Accusatory behavior
• Rages and breaking things
• Friends/family express concern
